How I Ended Up with Custom Curtains

If you are among the brave souls that have more than one child, like me one day you may attempt to to spend “quality time” with your child. Let’s define “quality time” as one- on- one time spent in quiet conversation or active play, where the parent is not coming down on the child like the wrath of God for, say, the child artistically expressing themselves all over freshly painted walls with permanent marker.

So, in the interest of quality time, I invited Noah to run a few errands. However, we don’t call it quality time in our house, and it’s rarely, if ever, planned. Me: “Noah, wanna run errands with me?” Noah: “Yeah, great, let’s go.” Now, contrary to what I told the other children, I didn’t invite Noah on this trip because I love him the best, I invited him because I needed to check in with him about some things that were going on with him at school and desired to do so without the unfiltered and unasked for opinions of his other siblings.

At this point in the story, it is extremely important to note that Brandon was NOT happy at being excluded from “Noah and Mom quality time.”

Rich and I were about to find out exactly how displeased I had made Brandon.

Noah and I arrived home, and Rich and I jumped on the hamster wheel of bedtime routines. Just as I was about to release my final and favorite sigh of the night, “the-I-can-finally-put-on-my-pajamas-and-relax” sigh, I heard Rich’s curious and none-too-pleased voice ask, “What happened to the curtains?”

Now, my inner mom knew exactly what happened to curtains.

Brandon.

Brandon and his “It’s not fair I was left behind!” wrath happened to the curtains.

I didn’t even have to look to know in a fit of rage and jealousy, that child did something that was going to make me none-too-pleased just like Rich. I sighed. My inner mom sighed. Actually, I think she screamed, “It’s not fair!” and threw a temper-tantrum, but we walked downstairs anyway. I rubbed my hands over my face. I looked at Rich. I rubbed my hands over my face again. I shook my head.

Rich (holding part of cut curtains in his hand): “What happened here?”

Me: (resigned) “Brandon.”

Rich: (incredulous, but not surprised at the answer) “Why would he do something like this?

Me: (matter -of –fact voice): “Because I took Noah to the bank and not him.”

Rich: “What should we do?” Note: When your spouse asks you “What should we do?” It means he doesn’t have plan so you have 30 seconds to come up with something good.

Me (determined): “Get them out of bed. NOW”

Rich (rouses the troops): “Out of bed, NOW!! Your mother wants you in the entryway!! Note: Why isn’t it “WE want you in the entry way?”

Kids (confused, irritated, slightly afraid): “What’s going on? Whatever it is, I
didn’t do it…" and other assorted and appropriate kid phrases when you know your mother is mad, you know you might being going to down for a crime, but you aren’t sure which one you are busted for…

Me (pointing to the curtains): “Who cut the curtains?”

Kids: “NOT ME!!” (frantically looking around at each other to see who is going to crack so this conversation isn’t going to be prolonged, wishing I had discovered this when they were in school or Siberia)

Me (deep, calm breath so I don’t put them all eBay, non-yelling voice): “Okay. I totally get it. No one did it.” Pause. “Well, maybe Milo did it. He has been working hard on using on his mastery of scissors. Hmmm....”

Kids: Trading Suspicious Looks…Still no one confesses

Me (Waiting…No one cracks…. Calm voice):”Here is the deal. Everyone is grounded from all electronics until I find out who cut my curtains. No TV. No DS. No Wii. Nothing. Don’t look at them, Don’t breathe on them, and Don’t dream about them. Grounded. Done.”

Kids: Total silence. Followed by: “ALL OF US!?!” and “That’s no fair!”

Me: “Get back to bed. Good night.”

At that point, three disgruntled kids stomped off to bed. One child, looking miserable sat on my stairs.

Brandon (whispering): “Mom.”

Me: “Brandon, get to bed.”

Brandon (more urgently): “Mooommm….I have to tell you something….I cut the curtains.” (miserable, hang dog look)

Me (feigning surprise): “Oh you did!” “Go wait for Dad and I in our room. I need to go tuck your brothers and sister in.”

At this point, I reassured Jon and Lauren we had caught the culprit. Noah was beyond consoling because all he heard was “grounded forever from electronics.” Rich and I dealt with our interior decorator, thinking our night was finally coming to end, but as we were preparing to send Brandon off to slumber land so he could dream about new ways to test our parenting skills, there was a knock on the bedroom door.

A persistent knock.

Rich answered the door to find a very determined Noah on the other side: “Mom, Dad,”

he said, holding both up hands in front of him, as if in surrender,

“I just want you to know….

I was nowhere near a pair of scissors tonight.”

Rich and I looked at each other. Rich thanked Noah. Noah looked relieved to have that off his chest. I was stifling laughter and exasperation. Rich shook his head back and forth.

Noah noticed Brandon in our room and quickly comprehended the guilty party had been brought to justice. Finally, we were able to send the two of them off to their beds and everyone was able to stay put for the rest of the night.

I would love to say that Rich and I went downstairs and watched TV, because we weren’t grounded, but shaking down a curtain culprit the first week of school is exhausting.

Soooo…

We tucked ourselves into bed and stayed put the rest of night!